A personal story: mother wounds & divine feminine

The divine feminine is rising

(healers/light workers of this world)

If you’re in my bubble, you probably have heard this.

But don’t lose sight of reality – the toxic feminine holds strong. Shaming, competition, comparing, judging, it’s this darker side of community that happens because we’ve been hard wired to believe “we are not good enough” or “she will steal my light.” Just start recognizing and being able to overcome it will feel achievable.

how I feel about the toxic feminine

In November 2019, when my parent’s divorce was final, I moved into my own place with the help of my dad and boyfriend. I did a lot of reflecting those first few weeks alone, in my space while grieving the loss of my childhood home. I knew something needed to change, but what that was needed time to reveal itself.

But my ears were perked, waiting for the signal, like the wild wolf within me.

There is a wise-wolf-women within all of us.

One afternoon, I went to dinner with my mother and we had a typical interaction for our relationship – I left with my stomach in knots and my soul heavy with resentment and bitterness. Our personalities clash in our communication, values, interests and behaviors, and with neither of us aware of how to meet our needs, our relationship was sadly empty.

The personal development work I was doing was driving home a strong, solid message:

I choose the people who are in my life and how much they affect me.

I asked my mother for “space” over a text message. I didn’t know how long I needed. A week turned into months of not talking. I knew she was in pain but I had to protect my journey and my growth, that felt stunted when I spent just a few hours with her. After a few weeks of this, I really noticed how much better I felt. It was freeing but it also depressed me. I obviously desired a relationship with my mother.

I had no idea what this particular journey (the mother-daughter-wound exploration) would turn into, but I trusted my intuition and my body’s needs. At this point the holidays were coming. Because one of my life values is honesty, I didn’t want to “pretend everything was ok” when it wasn’t. I didn’t want to act like a happy mother-daughter when in reality I was damaged inside.

I used to pretend Mary-Kate and Ashley were my sisters, I would dream of being in their family.

Let’s get grounded – the wounds I endured from my mother are far from the whole story, they are the a symptom of a much greater problem humanity deals with.

A mother wound is emotional pain inflicted on you by anyone who steps in to fill the “role of mother” in a situation. This could be a grandmother, an aunt, a sister, a friend, or another mother figure who comforts, nurtures, or shows you love. They have the power to deepen old wounds or create new ones. Mother wounds are inherited and generational.

The mother wound is the hurt of being a womxn in a society that oppresses and undervalues them.

I am slowly learning to accept that these mother-daughter-feminine wounds are not 100% her fault. Hardly, actually. They are the symptoms of the ancestral feminine passed down through generations in patriarchal, oppressive societies. The pain I endured are the wounds of her mother, my grandmother, and the women who came before her. They are the wounds of friendships gone wrong. Every unkind word or deed done by a fellow sister that made us feel like: not enough, too much, excluded, ashamed, anxious, depressed, that were really just projections of her own pain.

The mother wound is the mother of all wounds. For the feminine and for the masculine. 

I believe every human will suffer at the hands of lack of love and belonging. It’s part of job/journey as humans to find that within ourselves.

However, we search for comfort from others because as children we don’t understand self-love yet. We become at-risk of externalizing our love and obsessed with trying to prove we are worthy of it. It could be a mother, a sister, a friend, an aunt, an elder, or a teacher who help us heal the wound or make it deeper.

self love. start there. never stop.

I have spoken about my experience being bullied and rejected in high school. The pain of being called overweight and ridiculed for my personality. That is a wound of the toxic feminine. I played a part – I gossiped, bullied and hurt others as well. The exclusion, the competition, the shaming, the rejection of love and belonging – my classmates were all suffering and mirroring it to one another.

I am beginning to return to love for my mother. Someone said to me, “my soul chose her soul.” I am the chosen daughter of the feminine lineage who gets to do this deep healing work for all of us – it is a privilege.

If you are reading this – you are chosen as well.

We are in therapy right now. Every other week we meet, mediated by a therapist, who holds space for us to talk. I have cried after sessions. I have felt elated after sessions. I have wanted to hug her. I have wanted to scream and cast her away again. I have binged hard to simply numb the pain it brings up. I have laid on my wood floors emoting with tears and screams to help me process. I have howled.

My pain of not being enough, or worthy of belonging may have in part started with her parenting, but it was made deep and potent by the “feminine” culture that raised me. 

We all know – “it takes a village to raise a child.”

To blame so much of my pain on one human in my life rejects the truth that I have been living in a world terrified to embrace the divine feminine. A truth we have all suffered from in various ways. Not all of us will learn how to heal, most of us will pass on the pain and wounds to our friends and family. I encourage you to choose the path of healing.

a little yin + yang

What I did takes courage, confidence and strength. My way isn’t the best way, it’s simply what my intuition told me to do: take space, heal yourself, and then gently invite her back in.

My intention with this difficult work is to have a healthy relationship with my mother and co-create a path to step onto and move through together. I want to have a healthy, transparent relationship built on a solid foundation of honesty, respect and an understanding for our needs as human beings.

I also need to stop the wounding: the blaming, the criticizing, the shaming. I heal myself today to protect my daughter’s generation from this level of pain and suffering.

I believe you can too.

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