I was HANGRY for happiness. That’s how it felt last June, at least.
I was also very desperate. I was listening to podcast episodes all over the place trying to get to the root of my obsession with food and my body.
It was tormenting me as my trigger response. External causes were rubbing internal wounds and this was how I coped. Numb the experience through food, overwork and excessive fitness.
I’ve shared about my spiral cycle so I won’t go there in this post.
This post is about what it feels like to be on the empowered side of this struggle.
I still binge, I still restrict, I still numb the sensations of my body if I’m searching for comfort. My personal triggers, as a high functioning perfectionist are: lack of sleep and self care because I’m overworking and trying to do too much and never say no. Every mother effing time.
But now, my binges are weeks or months apart when they used to be hours apart.
Because when I start to go into that food/body/workout obsession mode – that is actually my red flag, my lesson, my wake up call, my body’s message that: something is amiss. I need to shift, slow down, and connect to my true worth & intentions.
I am also critically aware of when I’m numbing versus when I am healing. I talk about emotional hunger versus physical hunger in this video.
My coach Samantha says that we’re pretty much always making choices in order to heal or numb. EVERY ACTION is either in the name of: Self love OR self violence. Trust OR resistance. Soul OR fear. Truth OR non-truth. Light OR dark. Healing OR numbing.
Spend a whole day looking at every action from that angle – I dare you.
After this program, I am so much more comfortable with discomfort. I am curious to learn WHY something brought on the fear, pain, guilt or shame. I remember that the pain isn’t happening TO me. It’s happening FOR me. Just like this crazy virus…
I am more open and trusting than I have ever been my whole life. I practice the art of surrender.
When life is tough – I surrender to it’s lessons. When life is amazing, I surrender to the joy. I allow my body to enjoy the human experience to it’s fullest capacity because it’s all I can do 99% of the time. Of course – I take action on my goals and my why. Like writing this blog post. But how and when things unfold – I surrender to that.
This feels like freedom – even if I down a pint of ice cream one night. I actually had a “binge” that was truly in the name of self love. I wasn’t treating my body like a trashcan for no reason – I was nourishing my craving for sugar, savoring every bite, and felt so soothed it was miraculous.
It was never about food and my body.
That’s my other big discovery. My obsession with food and my weight was a worthiness wound and craving comfort. It was a pattern I established at a super young age with friends I considered sisters. It was so comforting to binge eat Cheez-Its and watch Seventh Heaven to feel like everything was ok. I was 12. A part of me, an imprint, a section of my subconscious travels there every time I binge, and I feel safe again.
It’s also just the beginning of my healing journey.
This coaching certification gave me the tools, support and accountability to do work on myself and face the shadows in my closet. In all honesty – the work never stops. But in the process I have connected to like-minded women, coaches, entrepreneurs all over the world who are offering their knowledge toward the collective awakening.
I have used modalities like breath work, tapping, yoga, meditation, energy exercises and more to release emotions, relax my stress response, feel into my body, connect to truth, and heal from within.
It feels like a whole new, bright and shiny world. Every single day.
My creativity flows. My energy is endless. My self care is established. My voice is expanding. During a time of contraction, I feel quite honestly – limitless.
I am so incredibly ready to share what I’ve learned with others who want to experience their own awakening. In this blog post I expand on my why.
Before I move on, I have to pause and ask: how do I share this? How can I be of service to you and your community? How do I use my gifts, knowledge, and privilege to support a community that has given me so much?
Connect with me on social media to answer this question.
Let me know you read this post. If you’re curious about working with me, becoming a coach yourself, or having me do a class or workshop at your studio, or any other idea.
There is so much opportunity to be of service, this is my invitation to bring in MORE.
XO + OM